Do I Please Others? Or Do I Perform Instead?

“How can I get anything accomplished when I have to be worried all the time about whether people like me?”

Is this thought familiar to you?  It’s a common frustration for the leader who is committed to employee engagement and positive culture, yet has responsibility for making change and driving performance as well.  Is it necessary to have to choose between pleasing others and performing?
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This piece from Harvard Business Review offers specific about what an over-focus on being liked leads to: paralysis, over-inclusion, accommodation, tolerating poor performance.  Have you seen this in action?

There is the leader who won’t make a decision and implement actions for fear of backlash.  Then there is the leader who is constantly convening “input” meetings and polling people through formal and informal ways.  You see a leader consumed with putting out small, internal fires in the spirit of keeping people happy, regardless of whether these actions support the progress of the business.  And then there is the leader who doesn’t hold others accountable for performance.

And what is the business impact of this “pleasing” dynamic?  In a word, significant. ​

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When a leader is always in "pleasing" mode, employees may deliver sub-par performance, and may also grow confused and/or frustrated.  Necessary decisions and changes may not emerge.  The business may plateau as “a nice place” but a moderate performance company, and likely eventually succumb to better performing companies.

There is deep personal toll for the leader as well, including loss of a sense of their personal identity and authenticity, and devastating damage to their confidence because they cannot deliver performance beyond “not rocking the boat.”

In this age of engagement surveys, Glassdoor reporting, and high job-mobility, the pressure is real to have a positive culture, and genuine relationships with all colleagues (not just direct reports).  So how do you strike the balance between driving performance and maintaining positive relationships?  Here are 7 tips:

1. Accept that everyone won’t be happy all the time. *gasp* It’s okay. Now, this isn’t license to be a jerk.  Bullying, intimidation, unrealistic expectations and demands…these are inexcusable and people have a right to feel ill-treated and express this. When people are unhappy, check yourself that you are being fair, focused on results, honoring people, and acknowledging the change process.  Then move on.
2. Focus on being fair. Have reasonable expectations. Express these clearly. Challenge yourself to be flexible. Give more positive than critical feedback.  Altogether, this translates as fair.
3. Focus on results and how others contribute to those. When the focus is on results, then what you ask of people becomes about them being successful, customers being pleased, and the company/organization performing. This makes critical feedback much less personal and keeps people unified.
4. Build relationships. Have a connection with everyone based on their needs.  This means understanding individual people and what they are seeking in terms of connection, and then self-managing to deliver that.  You don’t have to be their best friend, but work to meet them where they are. Hint: Insights from personality assessments like Everything DiSC can help you decode others and meet their needs.
5. Honor others. Remember that everyone has value as a person first, worker second.  Staying mindful of this and recognizing their personal and professional value helps with your relationships (see #4).
6. Be a change process guru. Take time to study the change process: what people experience and strategies to help it be smooth.  John Kotter’s book Leading Change remains a key resource on change.
7. Stay humble. Own your mistakes. Be real. Tell people how you feel. Don’t make work about you and your ego.  This opens the door for high-trust relationships with others.  When there is high trust, the “happiness” factor is less delicate and less important.

A special note for senior leaders: if you see that a dominant aspect of your organization’s culture is pleasing others (which is different than delivering strong internal service), be brave and take a hard look at the situation.  Where does this emanate from?  (Caution: it may be coming from the top.) How does it impact performance?  Consider working with an outside consultant (especially one focused on organizational development/organizational effectiveness/ organizational health) to evaluate the situation and design a change process.  It will take care and time to change this aspect of your culture, and the investment and patience will have significant payoffs.

For individuals working on escaping the trap of feeling that one must please others or perform, give yourself time and find outside resources like coaches and training to help with your own change process.

Be ready for discomfort as you try new ways of thinking and behaving – these are positive indicators that you are learning and changing.

With purposeful work and patience, individuals and companies can shift from “or” to “and”: performance is high and people are pleased and engaged.  Now that’s a that’s a company to watch out for!


Note: An earlier version of this piece was published by Synergy Consulting Services on November 30, 2015.